Frustrations!

I need to vent right now. I have no one to vent to. No one "real" or tangible in my life at the moment. So my online friends here it is...all for your reading pleasure. Feel free to return the favor or any comments, please. I've turned into such an angry person and generally I am not. I am quite the opposite. That's for another time. If you want to know who I really am, you'll have to take the time to actually talk with me and get to know me. Anyways, I have not had sex in months. Maybe once but I seriously can't remember when. That makes me feel very depressed. I'm angry and down on myself. I try hard to tell myself it is not me but I'm losing. Yesterday was Sweetest Day. It's no huge day like a birthday and I did not expect a big deal like flowers or presents but the romantic in me had hoped for a kiss or card or a special night together. Maybe just the acknowledgment of the day? Nothing! We even went through the Jewel Osco on the way to a friends house for some drinks and veggies. There were flowers and candy everywhere when you walked in. Hello, BIG clue for the clueless!! Not big enough apparently. Now, granted I did not do or say anything to him. Not because of women's lib and all that garbage but because I am a romantic and kind of feel that the guy should be the one to make that special for his woman. You know in the end it comes back around to him. Lord knows when you make a lady feel good about herself she is in a better mood, the endorphins kick in etc., I think you know what I am saying, right? I'll explain a little more why things bother me and I am always angry. My son spends a good deal of time away during Sept. and Oct. We work so much during those months, sometimes very early mornings and some late nights. He stays at his grandparents at least twice a week during the week and normally on weekends the kids all come and go at different houses each week. Every time he is gone, Don't take it like I'm glad for that but, I get excited. I think to myself wonderful it's a night alone. I start thinking like a man...maybe I can get laid tonight. No worries, no child home to hear. Hm, pick a room, pick a toy....something. It never happens. Never. I normally end up crying myself to sleep out of frustration. It consumes me, it is ruining my relationship. Here is what happens next: I remain angry for him denying me. He tries, sometimes, to grope me at which point I'm either still angry, which adds to it because now I am thinking, "oh sure, you feel you want something now so come grabbing at me?" I then tend to push him away or snap at him for it. It kills me that I get nothing for months on end and his idea of "trying" is tweaking my nipple, which is also normally in public. Or he'll wait until we are in bed and grab straight for my crotch. This does not work for me. Can someone please teach him the meaning and importance of foreplay. I have tried to explain how much the lack of a sex life is impacting me. How it makes me feel self conscious, unworthy, unloved and unappreciated but he does not seem to care. If he does, he does not show it or make any attempts to change it. I'm stuck. I do not know what to do anymore. I love him but that has definitely made me fall out of being "in love" with him. I don't feel close at all. I do not feel like can can communicate at all. I hope someone understands what I mean. It's a catch 22. I'm running like a hamster in a wheel. I'm just running and running and I never get anywhere. How do I get off? What happens when I get off? We work great together, we are great friends and get along well in those capacities but beyond that, it's hell. It's no life. Definitely not a marriage. Then again what constitutes a marriage? Any thoughts, anyone? Am I the selfish one? Am I the one being ridiculous? Does sex matter that much? Should I not be angry and just be happy that he comes home every night, does not go to bars, out with friends or abuse me? Or is that abuse in a different form. It might not be verbal or physical abuse but in many ways it sure feels like mental abuse. It has certainly damaged my psyche. If I could have a boy toy on the side a few times a month I'd be a happy camper. Why can't that work? Why wouldn't it work? Why can't he see it? Why wouldn't he go for it? Why am I wrong for wanting that? Why is it cheating? Is it still cheating if you agree to it? Someone asked me if he did the same how would I feel? My response was hurt and angry. They said, "Well, there is your answer. Why?" My response was because I will do it. I have not turned him away ever. I have been the one for years and years now begging for sex, for help, a doctor or anything. So if he wanted someone on the side that means it was me. He did not want me. Wow, that would hurt. It's not like I am wanting to go else where because I do not love him or enjoy him or think negatively towards him in any manner but because he is not doing it. I cheated or rather had a one night stand once...cheating makes it sound like an on going affair. I'm ashamed to admit that. The opportunity was there, I was desperate for some of that kind of attention and I took it. We almost divorced at that point. I told him I wanted one. I'm still not sure anymore. We live like roommates and co-workers. I know right now, I am tired and stressed beyond healthy. Something has to give and I just do not know where to start or how to get the help. I'm back in that fucking wheel again. Can someone tell me how to get out? I'm begging for change. I am sure I know what I need to do but how do you do it? I think I need to get my ass back in school and finish doing what I would like to do or just find a new job. After that I need to put my foot down and tell him either we need to fix it or end it. Great I have that figured out. Now, here's the hard part....I have never had a "normal" job. I would have a VERY difficult time going into something scheduled daily. I would need to make the same amount of money now or the bills will kill me. What happens if it does turn into divorce? Then what? I can't afford to live on my own. What about my son? Yes, I know...I've heard the you'll adapt. I am not a Borg. Will I? How hard will it be? I can now understand why some women are devastated when their husbands have left them. Scary feeling. I'm numb these days. One foot in front of the other, eye on the road, have to keep going, can't stop, keep walking, never look back, next foot, keep walking, head up, smile, keep going.......fucking shoot me please!!